I Miss My Mom

One of the reasons I am clueless in this parenting journey is I no longer have a mom to ask all my stupid questions to and ask her what I was like as a baby. I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s just a fact of life.

I’m an only child. Well, sort of. I have a sister who was born four years before me and died at age 3. I never knew her. I was born almost exactly a year later. Yes, that makes me a replacement baby. In 2000, my mom, dad, and I went up to Santa Rosa to my aunt’s wedding. Her fourth one, as a matter of fact. Thank goodness she finally figured it out and married the right guy. The day after the wedding we were driving the back roads of Sonoma County to visit a few wineries we liked and get a bottle or two from each. It was quite a pleasant day. Right up until the car crash that changed my life forever. My dad was fairly seriously injured and didn’t get out of the hospital until a month later. My mom was killed instantly. I had a bump on the head. Yes, a bump on the head. That was it. Not even a concussion. I walked out of the car to the amazement of the paramedics.

So I always knew that it was going to be difficult if I had kids because the only family I have anywhere near me is my dad. He’s great, but not for advice on baby care and definitely not for babysitting newborns. My mother-in-law lives in Michigan (blessing? curse? both?) so that’s not  lot of help. I don’t have any siblings. I have quite a few cousins, but none nearby. The one I’m closest to is a 7 hour car ride away. Most live out of state. If you are a parent and have your parents or siblings living nearby and they help you out all the time - don’t ever, ever take it for granted. Even if they drive you crazy some of the time. Or all of the time. I am lucky enough to have a few friends that are like family that are almost always willing to babysit and help if need be, but it’s just not the same as family. I don’t feel weird about asking family, but with friends it’s a whole other story. Bottom line - none of them are my mom. There is just a different connection you have with your mom than you have with anyone else, especially after you have become a mom yourself.

After the accident I missed my mom terribly. But when Eddie was born it was a whole new level of intensity. No one to call at midnight to ask stupid first-time parent questions. No one to come over at the drop of a hat because I couldn’t take the pressure. No one to ask what I was like when I was a baby. My dad, in typical male fashion, kept telling me over and over that he didn’t remember me when I was a newborn. Gee, thanks Dad. Just because you’re thinking it doesn’t mean you have to come out and say it point blank. It is hard to have kids, but it even harder, SUPER hard if you don’t have the family support near you. And even if they aren’t near you, just knowing that they would be on the other end of a phone in a matter of seconds is comforting. I know that as Eddie and Baby TBD get older my dad will be willing and able to take them for the day or possibly more, but those first few weeks you bring a newborn home that are so intense and scary... that’s when I missed my mom the most. And I know there will be new hurdles once the kids get older and they won't have grandma around. I don't know what that's going to be like for either me or them, but I bet it's going to be hard.

But, you get through it. There is a saying that God never gives you more than you can handle. I don’t think that’s exactly right. God just knows he made us so resilient that we can handle just about anything that’s put before us because we have to. We don’t always have a choice. Of course, God did give my husband and me the world’s most awesome baby. I mean, he slept through the night for the first time at two weeks old. That did make getting through it easier. After a while you realize you can't screw it up too badly and start to relax. Every decision is not a life or death one. Not everything you fear is going to happen. Being clueless is actually ok.

But I still miss my mom.  A lot.